What does love mean (to you)?
Entry 2. I'd say today is not a "thrilling" entry. I do apologize for that.
I can say I love many people. I devote my all to my companions as most would do for a lover. I know this sort of thing is not what everyone does. In fact, there are many who find it distasteful. I have lost some of those I considered most dear to my heart for this reason. Keeping in step, conforming to everyone else, is that what love is supposed to be?
For some, I guess that is all you can do. In a world where romantic partnership is put on a pedestal, who am I in the face of that? Who am I in comparison to someone's deepest desire, who they most want to possess? Or, that's a shallow description, and not apt in every situation either. I'm sure there are plenty of people who wouldn't enjoy being reduced to something to own—people who wouldn't enjoy being treated as if they view their partners as objects. I hope my point gets across without me fretting over language. I don't have the patience to find better words.
I know that you cannot always receive the love you give. Everyone has their own hierarchy they come up with in their mind. Everyone has someone they will make the priority. I can't exactly say I am absolved of favoritism myself. Still, I suppose it doesn't help the sting from knowing someone will always shove you aside, neglect you for the sake of someone else. I think I do my best to not do this. I won't say I'm perfect. All anyone can do is mitigate the damage. Is it a sin to wish others would do the same?
I want to mean something. Ironically, I do, to someone. At least, in some way. It's odd. I can't feel secure in it at all. What does it mean to have what you wish for at your fingertips, and yet... I pass the time with dumb questions. Do you really care at all, is this for your own gain? I know the answer to that. You aren't exploiting me. You aren't doing these things to get in my graces and get what you want from me. I guess I'm a bit of a coward, but I can't trust my own heart. How could I risk hurting someone who is so kind to me? I'll keep it to myself. I can figure it out. There's no need to get someone's hopes up until I'm sure.
But can I ever be?
It's childish, isn't it? I really am as human as anyone else.